BLAGH!!!!!!!

December 26, 2008

Does the title say it all??
Just been down in a funk this last week so I have not updated this thing since last week.
Still have 2 drains in and they won't be getting out until HOPEFULLY this coming Monday.
Monday I also see my oncologist to see what his plan is for me next. My surgical pathology results came back and all the lymph nodes taken out were positive for cancer also, so that means more chemo and possibly radiation for me. One good thing is that the tumor was no where near as big as they originally thought. Either that or the first rounds of chemo I had before surgery really knocked out this sucker. What they thought was a 8cm tumor came out as 1.8cm. That's a serious difference. So anyway with the positive node thing alone I am not a happy camper. Just feels like it's starting all over again.
Christmas yesterday was ok, but I wasn't feel that good. I'm so exhausted from not sleeping and from being in pain that I just wanted to curl up and be by myself, but of course I couldn't do that.
My foobs are coming along and I have to say I am quite pleased with the results so far. I've had 3 "fills" so far and now have 140 cc's in each side. Another fill and I think I can start wearing a nice padded bra. The picture above is from this morning with a sports bra on, so you can see little A foobies. Monday foobies should be a B.

That's it for now folks. Hopefully my next posting will be a little more upbeat.

Still have drains and still waiting for results

December 19, 2008





Should have gone to get out 2 drains this morning but I called the plastic surgeon too late, he had already gone into surgery. Now the roads are snowy and icy and I would have to drive myself so looks like I'm stuck with the f**kers until Monday.


And still no word from the surgeons office on the pathology report. I'm geting quite annoyed, it's already 10 days post opt!

I'm now able to put on a normal shirt instead of always wearing button downs... wohoooo.. progress!

So if I get these drains out by this coming Tuesday I should be feeling soooo much better for Christmas... it'll be much easier to reach for that glass of wine then :-")

No percocets in almost 30 hours!

First Plastic Surgeon visit and my first FILL

December 16, 2008

Wow yeah didn't think this was gonna happen so quickly! When he told me he was going to put "a little" bit of fluid in today the look of shock and nervousness on my face made him laugh. Was not expecting any fills until end of this month! I see a difference already, but the ace bandage is wrapped so friggin tight I care barely breath! None of my drains were ready to come out cause as he puts it I'm "doing too much".. ME? doing too much?????? NAY!!!!!!

On my way to Dollyhood

Waiting for results

December 15, 2008

Had another great nite sleep last nite. Didn't go to bed until 1am cause stupid me had a cup of coffee last nite after everyone went home. But slept thru the nite and slept thru my alarm. The night before I slept for 10 hours!! I'm able to sleep in my bed now, Brian took every pillow in the house including throw pillows and made a coccoon for me to sleep on and it's been working great! I have not slept thru the night or for more than 4 hours at a time since August. So yeah I would say I am due!

So this morning it dawned on me that I will be getting a phone call from my surgeon on the pathology results from the surgery. I only want to hear one thing... NEGATIVE NODES. If I have to have more chemo and radiation it's ok, as long as my nodes are negative. That's all I care about. So right now I'm in a little bit of a funk cause I'm worried about what I am going to hear.

Going to try and take some motrin today in place of a percocet. I don't want to get hooked on these things! (or do I? ;-)

Isabelle's Birthday Party

December 14, 2008

We ordered pizza and subs, I "made" a couple appetizers. Aunt Sharon, Mason and Joey, Aunt Joanne and Katie and Amanda came over. Grandpa and Uncle Andy were sick so they didn't make it. So it was actually nice and small and quite.

Again, so glad I was able to do something for her birthday considering it was just 2 days after I got out of the hospital! She gots lots of nice gifts. Alot of coloring and painting things, which is her all time favorite thing to do these days, a Dora backpack and MagnaDoodle and some cool puzzles from Grandpa and some very fashionable clothes from Grandma.

Brian bought an inflatable snowman for the front lawn.... aha... something he said he would never do, but Isabelle has been infatuated with "snowmen" ever since she saw Frosty on tv. So the kids all went outside with him and put it up, then had a little game of hide and seek in the back yard.

We got her a Carvel ice cream cake and of course she was in heaven! Then her and Mason had a ramp around the house on a sugar high!

Today down to a percocet every 6 hours instead of 4! wohooooooooo! But hey... they're kinda nice:-))

ISABELLE'S BIRTHDAY!

December 13, 2008

You have no idea how happy I am to be able to do a little something on my girl's birthday. I really thought I would be laid up. But guess what folks... we did NOT diss our baby girl on her birthday after all!

Today we started out in the morning with french toast. One of her favorites. Then she opened up a couple of gifts from her Nana and our wonderful friend Donna. So that occupied her for quite some time. Brian was able to get some work done around the house, and I was able to hang out with Isabelle. I'm able to get her in her highchair and give her meals, and if she cooperates, I can change her diapers and clothes. IF she cooperates. So it's actually not that bad. I can't put her down for a nap cause I can't hold her or cuddle with her. So Brian has to do that part.

Both of my "kids" took a nap today for a long time... almost 4 hours! They were exhausted from the week and Isabelle was so off her schedule.

We have family coming over tomorrow, Sunday, to have a little party and so that Isabelle can play with her cousin Mason... who she absolutely adores. All I heard for an entire week from her was "Mason coming? Mason coming". So tonight we had a bunch of junk food...aha... and we gave her our gifts. She got a Barbie doll with a horse and stall and all the goodies that come with it, an etch a sketch, an art easel, a handy mandy singing toolbox, and a Thomas the Tank book with a slide projector. She LOVES the barbie and horse! Has to take her naps with the horse:-) So darn cute. Donna gave her a Tinkerbell doll and a purse with little girl things like lipstick and a cell phone. She's getting to be quite a little girl!

Today still on percocets every 6 hours.

First day HOME

December 11, 2008

Had to sleep in our big oversized chair and ottoman cause I really can't lay flat on my back.

The pain is bad. Very bad. Actually worse then I thought. So taking percocets every 3-4 hours at this point. When they kick in I don't feel too bad. Can't wait to get these damn drains out, I think that's where alot of the pain is coming from. But they need to be in there to drain the fluid out of the sites. I empty them out twice a day. I have to keep track of the amount that comes out because in order for the surgeon to take the drains out the amount of fluid needs to be under a certain amount. They will most likely stay in there for 1-2 weeks. Hoping that on my first visit on the 16th maybe 1 or 2 can come out.

So my "tissue expanders" are very tight. I peeked under my bandage. My breasts are gone. And I really do not care. Actually I'm glad the damn things are gone. They are finally going to leave me alone. I do have a little bit of cleavage and some poof to my up and coming new foobs. The plastic surgeon put in 100cc's on each side, that's about a tablespoon of saline. When I go for my first fill in about 3 weeks he'll put in more cause my skin and muscle should be stretched out good by then, I'll be about an A cup! wohooo!! The picture up top is of my cleavage. aha. Did you think I would NOT show you?! The right side is where the cancer WAS. It's larger on that side cause the tumor stretched out my skin so much on the bottom. The left side is smaller and more painful right now cause the expander is really doing it's work and I can feel it! But look... see... I have foobs in the making!

OUT WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE NEW.

On our way to SURGERY

December 9th, 2008

Unfortunately didn't get a good nites sleep cause Isabelle was up crying for 2 hours from 2am to 4am. Brian stayed up until 330am and we had to wake up and get ready around 6am.

Grandpa came over to stay with Isabelle for the day. We were off at 7am.

Got to the hospital at 730 and things started going very quickly. Before you knew it I was off to the operating room. Everyone was very nice, my 2 surgeons were great. When I got into the operating room the anesthesiologist (sp?) asked me if I wanted a "cocktail" before they did the biopsy on my left sentinel node... they normally do NOT put you under for that, so at that I said "hell yes give me 2 cocktails". And so he did, and that was the last thing I remembered.

Woke up god knows when, supposedly it was in the operating room when they were all done. I think I remember a little on that. Surgery was from 1030am to 345. Got into recovery at 415. I wasn't in too much pain, just very groggy. I was only supposed to be in there for 1-2 hours at the most but low and behold the hospital did not have one single empty room for me. SO I wound up being in the recovery room until 830 at night! They let Brian come in around 630 cause I guess they knew it was going to be a long wait for him.

Finally got into a room and it was a private room. Ate "dinner" at 1000pm. It sucked. A dried up turkey sandwich and a bowl of soup, at least they called it soup.

I was on a morphine pump at this point. Did a couple of "shots" in the recovery room. Then maybe 1 or 2 when I got into my room. Was up every hour or so cause they don't like you to sleep in hospitals.... yes that's being sarcastic.

At 730am the next morning after another 2 "shots" of morphine I thought I was having a heart attack. Yes once again another lovely panic attack or as they thought maybe a reaction to the morphine. Seeing that the night before I was having hallucinations on the stuff, I shouldn't have given myself anymore, but the pain was inbearable. So they had to make sure there was nothing going on with my heart. So every 3 hours they had to stick me to get blood tests done, and hooked me up to an ekg twice during a period of 2 hours. Nothing showed up with any of the tests.

The nurse forced me to get out of bed and sit in a chair. Yeah that was fun. I had 4 drainage tubes with these bulb things at the end that look like hand grenades, plus a pain pump, plus an iv in my arm. Oh then she wanted me to take a walk. TAKE A WALK??????? Yeah got far on that one. Down the hall and back. Back into bed.

Thursday 2nd day post opt I felt so much better. They told me I can go home. Brian picked me up at 1130 with my baby girl, and off we went to the best place on earth. HOME.

Life Ain't for Sissy's

After being a nervous wreck, breaking out in hives on several days and nights, worrying and worrying and worrying... I come to this realization.

Ok so I'm loosing my breasts, so what?

I don't need them to hold a crayon to color with Isabelle or turn the pages of a book when she wants to read. I don't need them to brush her hair and wipe the tears from her eyes. I don't need them to give her a hug or put her favorite pj's on. I don't need them to fill a cone with her favorite ice cream. I don't need them to push her on a swing, or help her down a slide. I don't need them to lift her out of her crib in the morning when she calls for me. I don't need them to run after her in the stores when I try to shop or visit her favorite zoo. I don't need them to lift her up when she runs to me when I pick her up at school at the end of the day. I don't need them to cook a good meal or brush my teeth. I don't need them to drive to wherever I want to go. I don't need them to go hiking, skiing, bike or ice skate. I don't need them to decorate the Christmas tree, tie bows, or wrap presents. I don't need them.

LIFE AIN'T FOR SISSY'S.

Surgery Date Finally Set

After waiting for 2 weeks my surgery date is finally set for Devember 9th. Yes... one day after I "turn" 43. At least they are letting me have a "happy" birthday! I'll be in the hospital for 2-3 days, then come home the day before Isabelle's birthday... oh joy oh bliss. My poor kid... but fortunately she's at the age where she really won't know that we are dissing her on her birthday. I'll have Brian go out and get a cake for her to smash in her face, and we have many nice presents for her to rip open... so yeah I think she'll be ok.

So we need to be at the hospital at 730AM on the 9th. Surgery starts 930AM, and will be about 5 or 6 hours. I'll be in la-la land for sure with a pain pump afterwards, and they are sending me home with it too! wooohooooo!

I get a very small "fill" in my expanders, but not much. My plastic surgeon doesn't want to kill the skin cells and ruin my reconstruction... Thanks Matt! So I wake up with "mounds", that will probably be more like moe-hills, but that's ok with me. Then 3 weeks later I get my first real fill! I can't wait... so yes friends looks like I will indeed get my new foobs for Christmas!

And don't worry all... I will be taking before and after pics:o)

To be continued.........